How not to graduate Part 1

AwanyJoining university can be an exciting time. It is often accompanied by many lifestyle changes such as new routines, meeting new people, making new friends, and generally adjusting to campus life.

Amidst all this, students are expected to develop effective study skills in an environment different from the ones they were accustomed to. At the end of three or four years, depending on your course designation, graduation is the next and last thing on queue and obviously, not everyone will graduate. RONALD AWANY has tips for those with no intentions of graduating.

Serious students like to draw a plan. They schedule fixed commitments such as lectures, tutorials, sports training, among others. They also allocate time for recreation, socialising, family, and to themselves. But of course for you who doesn’t care about graduation, you don’t need all that.

Just go to bed and wake up without a plan, and no priorities and then you will be one of the most successful failures of all time.

By now you must have known or read, or heard, if you don’t already know, soon you will, that in UCU, only those who attend at least 75 per cent of lectures are eligible to sit for the end of semester exams and of course you must have also heard that you will need at least 17.5 percent of mid-term assessment marks to qualify for the same exams.

Well, again, that is only for those who want to graduate. For those who do not want, all you need to do is go to bed ‘high’ every day. It doesn’t matter if it is alcohol or some banned substance: wake up whenever you want to, sit on the veranda (if any) or balcony depending on where you stay and sun bathe.

Many students report to university only to walk away at the end without graduating (File photo)

When your classmates return to hostel, ask them if they had a test. If the answer is yes, go back to bed and wait to watch them on the red carpet.

The moment you stepped into UCU, you must have noticed one of the tallest buildings next to the Guild offices. It is called the Ham Mukasa Library. Its sitting capacity is over 3,000 with thousands of books and online content.

The catch is only those who want to graduate visit that place often, the ones who think they ‘know it all’. You don’t have to go there at all but this is the part that you will like though, there is unlimited wireless internet. Grab your laptop, get connected and spend the whole day downloading the latest music and movies.

Ensuring that your study area is a pleasant environment is still for only those who want to walk on the red carpet. You don’t have to organise your books, notes or papers so that they are easily accessed. You also don’t need to take or photocopy notes at all, and you don’t need to care about your grades. None of that is necessary if you actually don’t want to graduate.

Soon you will find out that course work can be stressing. Imagine 20 pages of research work with references and citations, too much work! Isn’t campus supposed to be stress free?

Well, there is a brother called Google. He knows almost everything. Simply type anything you want then copy and paste, and then submit, it is the most stress-free way to do things especially when you claim it’s your original work. They call it plagiarism and trust me; it can get you successfully sent away from the university.

Discussion groups can also be very stressful. Imagine you have to attend class, then again go for discussions yet you have google. You don’t need those discussion groups because they only help those who want to graduate. Simple, just keep procrastinating and read when exams come, you will achieve the inevitable, fail to graduate!

Over the years, many have joined the university and achieved this ‘fete’ and lived the dream, they have followed each of the steps above, partied more and studied less, one thing is for sure, they have successfully failed to graduate along with their friends who refuse to take this advice. Enjoy your time in UCU!

The writer is a staff writer and sports editor at The Standard